


Repercussions

by Babybucky1943



Series: Collared [7]
Category: Marvel D/s AU
Genre: Bucky has memories, M/M, Self Loathing, fear of being abandoned, non con rape memories, sexual exploration memories, steve comforts bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 10:53:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17723813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babybucky1943/pseuds/Babybucky1943
Summary: A smell brings back some old memories for Bucky. They also bring back the old anxieties he has.This chapter is a bit more angsty and it took me all day to write! Hopefully you all still enjoy it my sweet readers!! <3





	Repercussions

Bucky woke the next morning,relaxed. His head however was full of thoughts that weren’t unhappy, just different. He’d slept well but dreams had come. Nice dreams for the most part but memories. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to remember them.

Maybe it was the massage Steve had given him. He could still smell the light scent of the vanilla oil.

It reminded him so much of Gaz, his training dom. So...long ago.

Gaz had often given him a deep massage to drop him after a difficult day. It had always yielded a good nights sleep. Much like this one had been.

He felt Steve’s warm breath on his ear and turned a little to see Steve’s face right next to his, breathing softly, fast asleep. It was nice. Having someone beside him.

Strange how the scent of massage oil should bring back so clearly what he had thought was long forgotten.

Gaz, a dom who had trained Bucky from the age of six, had made a lasting impression on him.

He’d been gentle and kind and Bucky had wanted to be his sub, to stay in the training house forever. He remembered winding his hands in Gaz’s long blond hair and cuddling on his chest. Gaz had trained him to be obedient, to follow orders, and to learn things his dom might want without asking.

Gaz had taught him the ins and outs of intimacy at the tender age of thirteen. Only two years before he would be given over to a real dom.

Gaz taught him how to please both men and women, taught him what pleasure felt like.

A small pang of arousal shot through his abdomen at the memory of Gaz gripping his manhood gently but firmly over his own smaller hand, stroking, handling, teaching him what it felt like. He’d reached puberty early and had enjoyed those sessions as a teenager.That was before he realized that sex could include pain and ridicule.

They had had many intimate sessions when Bucky had learned all the things that Gaz could teach him. Unfortunately it had created a strong emotional bond between them.

He’d held onto his dom then with all his strength at fifteen, begging him to let him stay.

Gaz had made him feel safe and good. But Gaz had made him go.It was what he had been trained for.

Memories washed over him and he allowed them. Good thoughts had been sparse the last several years.

Steve was a lot like Gaz in the patience and kindness department. He stopped his thoughts for a moment and took the opportunity to really study his dom.

Steve’s face was perfection; his strong jaw, the high cheekbones, thick lashes fanned out; he was handsome in a way that Bucky found he was attracted to.

He definitely didn’t mind the strong muscles either. Steve was a dom in every sense of the word.

He loved the feeling of being cared for that Steve gave him. Maybe it was starting to sound just the least little bit appealing because he felt safe with Steve?

Gaz had made him feel safe most of the time, even while he drilled into his head that Bucky would be expected to fulfill his duties to his doms. He had trusted Gaz. He had learned everything well.

The anxiety came back as images of Moseley and Cairn cropped up and blackened the sweeter memories of Gaz. He didn’t want to remember the day they came. The day they’d taken him away and Gaz hadn’t even said goodbye to him. It had hurt so deeply. He had felt that Gaz was disappointed in him.

He cut off the thoughts rudely to continue his uninterrupted perusal of Steve. He was just sleeping under a thin sheet which did little to mask his physique.

He was startled to see that Steve had a case of morning wood. He wanted to look away but something drew his eyes to the bulge under the sheet.

He fingered the collar. Steve had promised to keep him safe and take care of him.

Looking at Steve’s body made him think about it. He wanted to! He did! Maybe....

Bucky had often felt maybe it was because he just hadn’t pleased Gaz enough. That’s why he’d sent him away. He had tried so hard. Feelings of inadequacy still rolled through him every day.

Frustrated with the direction of his thoughts, he rolled onto his back, immediately aware that he was wet. Again.

He did NOT want to think about his past doms. He was still very anxious about them coming to find him although technically the government had removed him from their care.

He glanced at Steve, sleeping peacefully. Was Bucky pleasing him enough?

Doubts crept in and he started to feel anxious about his performance.

Desperate to go back to his good thoughts and forget his anxiety; he thought about Steve checking his pull-up yesterday. He’d probably overreacted. He was supposed to let his dom touch his body any way they pleased. He could tell Steve liked touching his ass. Steve looked at him like he was something to be treasured. That was good! So why did it feel bad when Steve touched him? Why did he just think of Cairn? Maybe he just needed to think about Steve more!

He focused every thought ontouching Steve. His muscles, his powerful legs; he was all power. What he would feel like under his hands.

It was no use. He was still completely soft. He was damaged. Steve wouldn’t want him for long.

He had so much confusion.

Any sub that forgot how to be toilet trained was pretty much rejected. But Steve had taken him anyway.

Maybe Steve had thought he would be better by now?

He felt panicked that Steve would decide that he wasn’t good enough so he determined to be! He had to!!

It wasn’t Steve’s fault that Cairn had grabbed him whenever he pleased because he was nicely built. Bucky had hated his body after awhile. Cairn loved pulling on his manhood, making him cry with pain and overstimulation.

Steve started moving, running a large hand over his face and scratching his day old stubble.

“Morning,” Steve smiled, his voice gravelly with sleep, as he turned to look at Bucky.

“Good morning,” Bucky replied, looking at Steve through lowered lashes. He consciously turned his thoughts off.

“How’d you sleep?” Steve asked, running the pad of his thumb over Bucky’s cheek, still rosy from sleeping.

Bucky smiled a little. “I was definitely sleeping. I feel good.” The contact of Steve’s thumb on his skin was nice. Think good thoughts. He leaned into it slightly. He kissed Steve’s thumb and sucked on it a little.

He’d noticed Steve’s reaction a few days ago to Bucky sucking his finger.

His flesh fingers found the leather collar and everything it meant. He would keep his mind on that.

Steve’s eyes immediately darkened with desire but he pulled his hand back. “Bucky, are you sure you’re ready?”

Bucky nodded, cheeks immediately flushing red. “I was just thinking of..of...” He couldn’t finish the thought.

“Are you turned on?” Steve asked.

Bucky cursed softly. “No, sir.”

Steve chewed his lip a minute. “Bucky, I need to ask you something and you only need to say yes or no. Did your last doms rape you? Have sex with you without your consent? I’ve just noticed you’re really shy about this.”

Bucky cringed. So much for his thoughts staying on the collar. How did you answer that with a simple yes? Without his consent? Yes. All the time. He didn’t know if it was considered rape. They were his doms. It was their right to take what was theirs. The extremes they took were something else though. They liked inflicting pain. A lot of it.

He couldn’t look at Steve. “Yes,” he whispered, unable to say more, hiding his face behind his hands. A peek through his fingers showed Steve curling his lip in anger. His heart hurt at that.

“Thank you for answering, baby.” His voice was still soft.

Steve wanted to kiss away the look of terror and pain on Bucky’s face. He knew he couldn’t so he changed the subject. “What do you want for breakfast?”

Bucky breathed in several deep breaths. He couldn’t cry. Steve was angry at him just like Gaz had been. It made his stomach hurt. He just had to try harder! Surely if he tried harder to please him, Steve wouldn’t make him go back! Steve had switched the subject to breakfast like it was no big deal. But Bucky knew better. Gaz had been so angry when he’d run away from Moseley and run to him for protection after they hurt him the first time.

Gaz had sent him back, telling him to work harder at pleasing his doms.

He suddenly remembered he’d been asked a question before he looked at Steve shyly. “Panc-cakes?” He hated that his anxiety made him stutter.

Steve seemed intent on giving him choices and making him answer questions with actual words however.

“You like pancakes?” Steve asked, sitting up.

Bucky nodded, scooting over to his side of the bed. His head was swirling with panic already. He didn’t want to be kicked out! He liked Steve.

Steve tossed a dry pull-up on the bed. “You use the bathroom first, I’ll go start breakfast.”

Bucky watched him leave the bedroom, feeling somewhat lost. He would do whatever it took. He didn’t want to take off the collar. He hated that the memories had come back so strongly. They were throwing him off balance.

Breakfast was ready when he got to the kitchen.

He had finally realized Steve wasn’t going to pull his plate away after only a bite or two like Moseley had.

His last dom had taken great pleasure in keeping Bucky on edge.

He concentrated on slowing his eating down but he hardly tasted it. His stomach was clenching so hard. He only ate a little.

With only the thought of pleasing his dom so he would be allowed to stay, he walked towards Steve. “Thank you f-for breakfast.”

“Sure. More?” Steve looked at him.

Bucky patted Steve’s knee, his breath coming in little gasps.

Steve lifted him onto his knee, and offered him a bite of pancake.

He took it, purposely dripping whipped cream.

Steve scooped it onto his finger and Bucky sucked his finger energetically, looking at Steve with slightly hooded eyes.

Steve frowned a little.

Bucky felt panic grip him. He dropped Steves finger, surged forward before he lost his nerve completely, and kissed Steve’s lips for just a second. He squeezed his eyes shut touching the collar to ground himself.

Steve touched Bucky’s cheek lightly. He could tell that Bucky didn’t actually want sexual attention but there was something going on with him and he was trying to force himself to do it for Steve. “What was the kiss for?” He asked when Bucky finally looked at him.

Bucky chewed his lower lipto stop his panic. “I-I want to please you S-Sir.”

Steve gathered him close. “Your words and your body language are telling two different stories, babe.”

Bucky dropped his chin to his chest. He was a failure.

“What’s wrong?” Steve looked at his face intently.

Bucky’s eyes were full of tears. “I’m sorry, Sir. Please. I’ll try harder.”

Steve took a deep breath. “How about we start at the beginning. What are you talking about?”

Bucky gave him a small brave smile. “I want to please you intimately. Please allow me.”

Steve just looked at him until Bucky dissolved into soft sobs and ran to his corner.

When Steve went to look for him, several minutes later he was clearly exhausted, curled up on the floor, asleep.

“Oh my boy, what’s bothering you today?” He gathered Bucky into his arms and sat down on the recliner with him.

Bucky settled in, relaxing a bit.

An hour later, Bucky woke with a start from a nightmare, probably brought on from all the anxiety of the morning.

He whimpered and Steve rubbed his back. “Hush, sweet boy. I’m right here.”

Once Bucky was awake and out of his dream, he ran his fingers over his collar nervously. His dream had been so frightening. Steve had taken his collar back and left Bucky alone.

“I was thinking,” Steve said casually, “That maybe we’d get together with Clint and Tasha. Clint has been through a lot of the stuff you have.”

Bucky stopped breathing for a moment, still fighting through his dream dread. Was Steve giving Bucky away? Was it a dream? Or was it true?

He hadn’t pleased Steve. He wanted someone else. Like Gaz. There had been so many other subs. Gaz hadn’t just loved him. Steve probably wanted someone who could give him sex whenever he wanted without falling apart. Wouldhe leave Bucky outside? Would he return him to Moseley? He didn’t want to lose Steve!! He could beg but that went against everything in his personality. He would if he had to.

He stared at his knees, fighting tears and nausea from his anxiety.

He held onto his collar a moment longer. He had to try harder! “May I clean your shoes with my tongue, sir?” He asked. That was something Cairn had taken great joy in.

Steve looked at him, disgust flashing across his face. “What?”

Bucky tried to think harder. He was running out of options!

Steve was concerned by his sudden quiet and the tension in his shoulders. “Buck? You okay?”

Bucky nodded bravely. Maybe Clint could give him pointers.

He was so tense when they got to Natasha’s apartment, he jumped when the door opened.

Clint let them in, all smiles.

“Hey Steve! Hey Bucky! Come on in.”

Bucky slowly stepped in behind Steve, looking around. The apartment was laid out much like theirs but the decor was much more modern, with a slight feminine flare.

Tasha motioned them to the couch. “Make yourselves comfortable.”

Bucky watched Clint. He was a good sub. How did he please his dom?

Steve accepted a glass of juice from Tasha and then asked if they could talk some about Clint’s past.

Bucky quailed. He was scared to bring up “the issue”. This was it. Steve was going to tell these people about how inadequate he was too!

“Sure,” Clint said easily. “What do you wanna know?”

Steve pondered it.

“Bucky had some really awful experiences and he’s really afraid to be intimate.”

Bucky blushed beet red, and hid his face. They would all make fun of him now.

“It’s not easy, comin’ off something like rape,” Clint said, looking at Tasha. “It took me a long time to trust her.”

Steve nodded. “Today though, he’s been making advances but he’s clearly terrified. Why? As a sub as well, can you answer this?”

Clint looked at Bucky but the other sub was curled into a tight ball on the floor, face planted firmly in his knees.”

“As a sub, you’re trained to please your dom and pleasing them sexually is something you learn a lot of. Does Bucky realize you don’t expect that from him?”

Steve frowned in thought. “I mentioned it. And I haven’t tried to touch him.”

Clint tossed a cushion at Bucky and hit him straight on the head.

Bucky panicked and yelped. “I’m sorry!”

Tasha immediately grabbed Clint by the collar. “Cool it! He’s already scared!”

Steve pulled him into a hug. “It’s all good, Buck. Sit on my lap a few minutes.”

Clint apologized a few minutes later. “Sorry for beaning you with a pillow. Why don’t you tell Steve what’s going on?”

“It’s hard,” Bucky whispered, tears making his throat burn and his eyes prick.

Memories came rushing back and he swallowed nausea back desperately.

Steve kissed his cheek. “I need you to talk to me. Are you afraid that you’re not pleasing me?”

Bucky’s eyes were as wide as saucers and he felt his panic start to bloom. To make matters worse his body chose that moment to give out. He felt his pull-up get wet.

Tears filled his eyes. His breathing was shallow and fast.

Steve hugged Bucky warmly.

“Baby, tell me what’s going on in your head.”

Clint and Tasha both watched Bucky.

“He’s definitely not well,” Nat said.

“He’s been acting weird all day,” Steve agreed.

Bucky flinched and jumped when Steve touched his hair. There was so much tension in his shoulders he was starting to ache.

“Bucky,” Steve said softly.

Bucky slowly settled onto Steve’s shoulder. His hand clutched his new collar tightly. If Steve was going to take it from him he wasn’t about to make it easy. This was it. He could tell. He’d made Clint angry. And then he’d gotten scared, and then he wet himself! No wonder Steve didn’t want him. His head was so full of self loathing he couldn’t hear his dom.

“Baby, relax. You've been acting like a scared rabbit all day. Why?” Steve had learned that direct questions worked much better with Bucky.

Bucky heard the question. He couldn’t hold back the anxiety any longer.

“I d-don’t want to you to get rid of me! I’ll try harder! I promise!” Bucky whispered, tears starting to fall fast and hard. “I want to be your sub. I want to wear your collar! I’m sorry I’m broken!” He burst into loud sobs, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder.

Steve frowned in total confusion, rubbing his distraught sub’s back, trying desperately to think what he might have happened to give Bucky the idea that Steve was giving him up.

“He’s been in his head too much,” Clint said, nuzzling Tasha’s neck for attention.

Once Bucky had calmed enough to listen, Steve asked, “What made you think I was planning to make you leave?”

Bucky’s lower lip quivered with emotion. “You looked at me like I was scum after telling you that-that—-.”

Steve sighed deeply and kissed Bucky’s head. His boy was so sensitive. “Oh my sweet baby. I was angry but NOT with you!! I want to strangle your doms. You are beautiful. You will always be my sub. You have my collar. That won’t change. You don’t need to push yourself to do things you’re not ready for.”

Bucky tried to grasp the impact of the words.

Steve wasn’t throwing him away!

He wasn’t disgusted or angry with him!!

He was still Steve’s sub!!!!

He didn’t need to be ready today!!!

With a small cry of relief he buried his face in Steve’s neck again. Sobs continued until he finally was able to calm down.

Bucky thought about all the anxiety he’d had all day. He could have avoided so much stress if he just talked to Steve.

He felt Steve’s powerful bicep shift as he settled Bucky more comfortably on his lap. Bucky gently traced a finger through the soft baby hair on Steve’s neck and nuzzled at the soft skin under his ear.

He remembered something he’d loved to do during training. With a small satisfied sigh, he started sucking very gently on the skin of Steve’s neck. He liked doing it. It was comforting.

Steve’s hand tightened a little on his lower back, a silent promise that he would be there when Bucky was ready. Whenever that might be.

 


End file.
